Advanced Maternal Age…Seriously?

It’s such an ugly term for someone in their (ahem) mid-30s. Everything is different about this pregnancy and birth experience. For one, I’m considered over the hill in the birth community. Therefore, I get to do extra special things like regular non-stress tests. I also get the option to induce if I want to…because I’m old. I’m going to a plush birth center that is like an upscale hotel. They have the nicest bed with great linens, dim lighting, the biggest tub you have ever seen (I will have one of these in my home one day), a beautiful gigantic shower area, and a heated bidet. Maybe we will have one of those in our home one day. I don’t know yet…I will have to try that out. I’m sure my husband will beat me to that new experience. They have lots of other little amenities, too. The only caveat to this “seems to good to be true” experience is the discharge time. They like to get you out of there 4 to 6 hours after delivery. Say what? You should have seen my eyes almost pop out of my head. I’m not going home four hours after I have this babe. My hand raised immediately, “how hard and fast is this rule?” They told me the max stay time is 12 hours and all the reasons why they want you to be at home resting in your own bed with your own family. My heart sank. Do they not know that I have two insane children who are going to jump on top of me as soon as I get home? Do they not know how dirty my house gets as soon as I leave the house for more than a couple of hours? The dishes, the laundry, the toys, the food. Oh my gosh. Do they not know that my beautiful, but extremely whiney children need me at all times of the day? Afterall, they are the reason I’m exhausted and my hair is gray. We need a break, people. My brain started running circles thinking about all the excuses I will have ready in order to stay longer. My current mission is to be an exception to this rule. They are going to have to get security to escort us out of that place. Seriously…it’s already paid for. What if my labor is super fast? I’m not going home; I have already paid for this stay! We shall see what I can accomplish on that front. Back to the bloody advanced maternal age deal. I understand all the reasons why they are more careful…after all, I am technically an RN. But geeze, I thought this place was going to be a whole lot more “au natural”. It certainly is and I do get to waive things I don’t want for the most part, but these midwives and nurses mean serious medical business. Plus, the place is new and for low risk mamas; they have to keep those ratings up. They will shoot me over to Vandy before I can even blink. I’m praying and hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. After all, growth and wisdom comes with advanced age, right? This advanced maternal age mama knows that there is no way to predict the outcome of this birth. I may as well relax, enjoy it, and let it all happen as it is meant to be…even if the stay happens to be short.