Yesterday I had a prenatal appointment. I’m going to a birth center versus the hospital for this 3rd birth. While I miss my OB and his staff, this is the route I’m supposed to go. This particular visit was a group visit, which sounds weird, but I enjoyed it a lot because they let me talk a lot. I think I’m entertaining; but in retrospect, my straightforwardness is probably terrifying. I’m surrounded by all first-time mommas so the midwife usually asks me to tell about my experiences. Plus, if anyone knows me, I love telling people what they should be doing. There’s also a bowl to put your questions in. No one was doing this so I decided to make it interesting and write down several questions…you know about placenta encapsulation and circumcision options, etc. Things that go through my head about 87 times per day. The norm, right? Six out of seven of the women were having boys and almost all of them said “oh I didn’t even think about that!” That was a little surprising. However, the best question was from a young girl who asked, “When are you going to tell us about the gross stuff? Like, you know, when we pee ourselves.” She was also disappointed about having a boy because she didn’t want to get peed on. Oh for the love, bless her little heart. This was my face after she said that.
Instead of going into grand detail, I recommended she read Ina May’s Guide to Natural Childbirth. Those stories and pics may enlighten her a bit. I was also very tempted to invite her to our house for an afternoon…you know, to show her that getting peed on or peeing yourself is the very least of her worries. It is most definitely the least “grossest” thing about motherhood. Anyway, I leaned over toward the midwife and said “Your tour video really doesn’t do anyone justice, you know?” She laughed and agreed with me. Let me just describe the tour scenario for you. You walk into the most lovely, comfortable, family-friendly center (it used to be the Outback on West End). Then, you have snacks and beverages and sit on comfortable couches. Then you go into their educational room and the educator talks and we all introduce ourselves. Then, we watch THE birth video. You see two hipsters in the bed in a really nice suite. The woman is in labor and her partner (who has a man bun and an epic beard) is basically swooning over her. The music is soft and very hipster-ish. My husband and I are trapped in the middle of the audience and he leans over and says his infamous line in his non-existent whispering voice, “I’m not going to lie, it’s about to get weird.” We are trying really hard not to laugh because we are mature like that. You don’t know if they are going to have a baby or going to have sex. Seriously. It was intensely intimate. The only reason we were laughing and saying it was ridiculous is because of how opposite my labors have been. I have flash backs of murderous screaming, pooping in front of everyone, standing in the smallest shower ever, being carried to the hospital bed, telling my doula and my husband that I’m done with them, begging for drugs, and of course, screaming at the top of my lungs, “Dr. Link, HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPP MMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”! Then, I remember the look on a nurse’s face when they dumped my placenta in the cooler we had brought. I still have my placenta pills, tincture and a souvenir from the organ that nourished Colton. 
On to the rest of the tour…they take everyone into one of their birth suites. It’s amazing, like a 5 star hotel. The beautiful bed with the white down comforter. The biggest tub I have ever seen to labor and soak in. A huge, contemporary shower. Even a bidet. Also great squatting bars and other ways to labor comfortably. Everyone is looking around and the midwife is answering questions. I lean over and whisper to my husband, “What happens when I sh*t all over those white linens, do you think they’re going to charge us extra?” Then, of course, we laughed hysterically. (Just keeping it real here.) Here’s what the birthing suite looks like.
It was a great prenatal visit and I think it encouraged some of these new mothers to research and become informed so they can make intentional decisions for their children and for their own bodies. I am not anywhere close to a childbirth expert, but I have a little experience to share and like to encourage all moms to do their research. And while I love to tell the real, raw, “gross” details, I will say that natural childbirth is one of my greatest accomplishments. The way I felt afterward is hard to describe – the energy, the empowerment, the alertness, the love. I’ll definitely be re-reading the book I suggest in order to boost my own confidence! Oh and who knows, maybe I’ll get to experience labor like those two hipsters did in the video. Ben may need to grow a man bun and grow his beard out. Cheers to all the mamas, however you may have birthed or adopted your children. And a double cheers to all the mamas who are getting peed on. It’s all beautiful in a “gross” kind of way.
Squash Pancakes 
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